The Condom Conspiracy
By Susu Jeffrey
Sister-Women, if your sexual partner does not use a condom—it’s rape. Call the police. Call Interpol. Throw out your birth control. Get a lawyer and build 10,000 new prisons. A revolution in consensual sex standards just overturned the old “blame her” paradigm.
After thousands of years of romance with him on top, the worldwide legal consensus now recognizes that contraception is the sole responsibility of the male.
“It’s about time,” Hester Prynne of Boston, opined after her partner not only failed to use precautions but then refused to acknowledge or support the offspring. Like Mary, Mother of God, who claimed divine seed impregnated her, Ms. Prynne noted that genetic fingerprinting will put an end to “fatherless” children.
The transposition in coitus behavior comes after a global manhunt for WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange whose willing partners successfully convinced international authorities of their victimhood. It is not known if the two Swedish women who originated the suit were coached to entrap Mr. Assange by wealthy government agents bent on discrediting the truth-sluther.
Attorneys who heretofore specialized in medical malpractice and mass litigation are gearing up for anti-condom condemnation procedures. Meanwhile Wall Street investors are seeking entrepreneurs to create a unique line of sexual devices to comply with the new orthodoxy. “It’s an infinite opportunity for business,” said an investment house leader who declined to be named due to copyright and trademark practices. “And not just in the First World Christian nations that spearheaded this flux. It makes the pill that was the old ‘sexual revolution’ redundant.”